The Shipwreck Museum doesn’t just collect artefacts and items of historical interest from the sea. It also enjoys picking up snippets of salty humour that can often be found floating amongst the maritime flotsam and jetsam.
Try the following, for example:
Where are most fish found? Between the head and the tail.
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From a passenger cruise ship, everyone can see a ragged, bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands. “Who is he?” a passenger asks the captain. The cruise ship captain replied, “I’ve no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts.”
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A sailor tried to sneak back aboard his ship at about 3 o’clock in the morning after overstaying his shore leave but was spotted by a chief petty officer. The sailor tried to splutter out some sort of explanation, but to no avail. “Take this broom and sweep every link on the anchor chain by morning or it’s the brig for you,” the chief petty officer said. The sailor began to sweep, but a tern landed on the broom handle and he couldn’t get on with the job. He yelled at the bird, but it didn’t budge. He finally plucked it off the broom and tossed it away. But the bird came right back and again landed on the handle. Over and over, the same routine was repeated. A toss, a sweep, and the bird was back. When morning came, the chief petty officer also was back. “What have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started!” “It’s like this, sir,” said the sailor, “I tossed a tern all night and couldn’t sweep a link.”
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How much did the pirate pay for his peg-leg and hook? An arm and a leg.
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A musician who joined an orchestra on a cruise ship was having difficulty keeping time with the rest of the band. Finally, the captain said, “Either you learn to keep time or I’ll throw you overboard… . It’s up to you, sync or swim.”
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A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. “Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked. “Well, I can think of one thing,” the man replied. “I came upon a gang of evil pirates who were threatening a young woman. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So I approached the largest, meanest, ugliest one. I punched him on the head, knocked the parrot off his shoulder, ripped out his ear ring and threw it on the ground, telling him, ‘Leave the girl alone now or you’ll answer to me.’” St. Peter was impressed. “When did this happen?” The man replied, “Just a couple of minutes ago…”
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What do you call fish with no eyes? Fsh!
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After a shipwreck, an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian were stranded on an island. They survived there for a while until, one fine morning, a bottle was washed up on the shore. They opened it and out came a genie. It bowed and said: “I’ve been in that bottle for a thousand years, and I am infinitely grateful to you for letting me out. I will grant each of you one wish.” The Englishman said: “I want a million pounds and to go home.” At which - he disappeared. The Frenchman said: “I want a million women and to go home.” And he too disappeared. The Russian grew sad, and said: “Why, they were nice. I had grown to like them! I want a million bottles of vodka, and… Both of them back!”
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Who sleeps at the bottom of the sea? Jack the Kipper.
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A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he finds himself on a beach. The sand is purple. He can’t believe it. The sky is purple. He is astonished. He walks around a bit and sees that there is purple grass, purple birds and purple fruit on the purple trees. He’s shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn purple, too. “Oh NO!” he says, “I think I’ve been marooned!”
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Where do you weigh whales? At a whale weigh station.
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What do fish sing to each other? Salmon-chanted evening.